


I want you to know who I really am

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [9]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Ending E (NieR: Automata), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27346069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: After consulting with Anemone, A2 decides she's ready to tell 2B what happened during the Pearl Harbor Descent Mission.-Part of a series, but can be read as a standalone.
Relationships: 2B/A2 (NieR: Automata), A2 & Anemone (NieR: Automata)
Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892593
Kudos: 12





	I want you to know who I really am

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this as a standalone, note that they came up with a plan to bring 6O and 21O back, but it's taken a while for their data to finish downloading. A2 has also actually taken a bath (lol), gotten some proper maintenance, and is wearing real clothes now:  
> https://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140307154452/drakengard/images/0/0b/DD3_Zero_DLC_Outfit_-_Manah.png

A2 shifted, exhaling a deep breath as she decided it time to reveal her real reason for visiting Anemone today. She enjoyed visiting her just for the sake of visiting her, but in this case, she had had another reason. “I wanted to ask you something.”

That got Anemone’s attention. “What is it?”

“…I was thinking… that I’d like to finally try to tell 2B what happened. Parts of it are your story too, so I thought… I should ask if you felt comfortable with it.”

She smiled, knowing that it would do A2 good to be able to talk about it. “You’re really starting to open up to her, huh? I’m happy for you, Number 2. …I’d rather if you didn’t tell her about some of the things I wrote about, but the things we went through together and that I had to kill Number 21, that’s fine.”

_Some of the things I wrote about_. She implicitly understood what Anemone meant by that: She didn’t want 2B to know that she had come so close to ending her own life. And certainly, she couldn’t blame her for that; it was private. “Of course. …Thank you, Anemone.”

Her expression became a bit quizzical. “What are you thanking me for?”

That was a good question. A2 considered it, still struggling to connect with her own feelings after so long of feeling numb. She had felt grateful to Anemone, so she thanked her, but what specifically was she grateful to her for? After thinking it over, she finally answered, “For still being here. For… being my ally, even after everything.”

“That’s not something you need to thank me for,” she assured her, briefly putting a hand on A2’s head and ruffling her hair just a little. Even though she had been so wary of her back then, nowadays she considered A2 an old friend. Her expression turned more serious as she added, “How are you feeling about that? Talking to 2B about it, I mean.”

She sighed, gaze falling. “I’m scared that when 6O and… 21O… wake up… I’m not sure how I’ll take it. I’d rather tell her now so that if things get bad again, she understands what’s happening.”

If she wasn’t mistaken, reading between the lines in A2’s words revealed that A2 trusted 2B to look after her… and cared about herself enough to want to allow someone to bring her back if she ended up in that dark place. She had come such a long way in the past couple of months. “I’ll be here for you, too. Don’t forget that.”

The reassurance did nothing to comfort her, though. “It still doesn’t feel right to ask you for help with my memories of the situation I brought you into. Anyway, you have your hands full running the Resistance camp.”

“Not so full it would take precedence over a friend,” Anemone answered firmly. “I want to help if you need it.”

“Won’t it be hard for you too?” Her voice was tentative, as though worried that the question alone could bring a torrent of bad memories. This was for good reason; she knew there were times where someone asking her anything about her past would have been deeply overwhelming and painful.

Not for 6O, but it was true that she wasn’t sure how it would feel the first time she met 21O. Still, it was little different from meeting 2B for the first time when she didn’t know that A2 had survived. “21O will be her own person. Even if she’s similar in some ways, she won’t be Number 21.”

_I wish we could bring her back. I wish we could bring all of them back._ She didn’t dare voice the words, partly because she was concerned they would hurt Anemone and partly because she was concerned they might send her into a spiral of self-loathing and overwhelm.

“Anyway, even if it’s hard, that’s only all the more reason to be there for each other. Right?” Seeing A2’s mood darken further, she tried to bring her back to the present with a reassuring smile.

It did help a bit. A2 tried to offer a smile in return. “I suppose.” With that, she decided it was time to get this conversation with 2B over with. “I’m going to go talk with 2B now. But I’ll stop by to visit again soon.”

“Please do,” she said with a smile. She gave A2 a quick hug goodbye.

With that, A2 asked Pod to locate 2B and headed toward her. Hopefully she wouldn’t be interrupting anything. Soon, she found 2B fishing.

As soon as she saw her, 2B smiled. “A2! Want to join me?”

One arm wrapped loosely around her body. “Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you about something.” She took a deep breath. “I think… I’m ready to tell you. What happened on my mission.”

2B immediately pulled her line in and set her fishing pole aside. She knew how much courage it took for A2 to bring this up. “Do you want to talk here? Somewhere else?”

She considered it. “My place?” It felt like the most private place they had available to them.

“Of course.” 2B held her hand as they walked, seeking a way to provide her with some reassurance.

When they reached A2’s home, they sat down side by side on the ground, 2B adjusting herself so that she was facing A2. She wanted to show her support however she could, knowing that this was a difficult conversation and a huge display of trust.

A2 took a deep breath, already looking stressed at the prospect of having this conversation. Just because she was relatively ready didn’t make it an easy conversation, that was for sure. “What do you know already about the Pearl Harbor Descent Mission?”

“That was the start of the 14th Machine War, right?” Realization dawned on her, and she frowned. “Was that… your mission? We were told all units were annihilated…” It made sense with what A2 told her about having lost everyone she cared about, but it also didn’t make sense if Commander had known that A2 survived.

“…Yeah. My guess is, Commander lied and said I was dead because I knew too much.” _That’s why she hid from you how you’d died every time she sent you after me and I killed you, too._ She held back on saying it at first, but then decided that 2B had a right to know. “By the way, do you know that the time we met in the Forest Kingdom wasn’t the first time she asked you to kill me?”

That made even less sense… although when she looked back on it, she remembered what an ominous feeling she’d had upon seeing A2. “No. What do you mean?”

“I tried not to snoop around in your memories more than I could help, but that’s what I thought. No, she’d sent you after me plenty of times before that… I wasn’t counting how many, but the first time she sent you, you weren’t even working with 9S yet.”

As A2 spoke, she started to put together the pieces. “Then the times I was backed up and couldn’t remember how my body had gotten destroyed…”

“Yeah. I don’t know about every time, but definitely some of the times. I guess she didn’t want anyone to know I existed unless they were in the process of hunting me down.” She tucked some of her long hair behind her ear. “I won’t apologize for defending myself, but I am sorry that it meant killing you two.”

Her smile was bitter, but she didn’t hold it against her. “If someone went after you with intent to kill, that’s only natural. I only remember the Forest Kingdom, but I’m sorry for trying to kill you.”

A2 smiled wryly. “What a pair we are, huh? Thank god that’s in the past now.”

She wanted to ask why A2 hadn’t killed her this most recent time, in the Forest Kingdom, but she also wanted to let her tell the story of her original mission. Ultimately, the latter won out and 2B stayed quiet.

Her expression turned serious as she leaned against the wall, seeking a physical sensation to ground herself. “There were 16 of us at first, in my squadron,” she began, staring at a point on the opposite wall. “We were attacked during our descent.” Her body tensed, remembering the confusion, chaos, and fear. “Number 1 was shot down, so I was appointed leader. In the end, only 4 of us made it to land: Number 4… Attacker Number 4, Gunner Number 16, Scanner Number 21, and me.”

2B reached out and took A2’s hand. She knew how real and present horrible memories could feel at times, and she wanted to help A2 remember that right now, that situation was over.

There was gratitude in her eyes for a moment as she looked at 2B, squeezing her hand lightly. The touch helped more than she would have expected. “We requested cessation of the mission. We weren’t supposed to continue if more than 4 units were lost, and we lost 12. But when Number 21 contacted Command, they refused to allow us to discontinue or send us reinforcements. There was nothing we could do but to keep going.”

Having always believed so strongly in Commander, hearing that pained 2B. She wished, not for the first time, that she could know what the Commander had been thinking.

“There were several times more machines than we had been prepared for, and our weapons didn’t even seem to work against them. We thought we would be annihilated, but we were rescued by some Resistance members. …That’s how I know Anemone. I asked for the Resistance to cooperate with us, and they agreed. Our mission was to destroy the server that controlled the machines in the area, but it wasn’t something that would be easy to get to.”

There was no need to delve into every single detail, so A2 decided to skip ahead. “Together, we fought our way to the mountain where the server room was. But the machines had evolved, and now none of us had attacks that were effective. Except one of the Resistance members… She had been infected with a logic virus, and even after Number 21 saved her, she was able to use machine attacks. She stopped them with a Gravity Wave, but she had to stay out with the machines to use it on them, so we split into two groups.”

A wave of guilt hit her at remembering just who had convinced Rose to split up, and all of a sudden a spike of fear crashed through her, making her instantly feel overwhelmed. She searched 2B’s eyes, instinctively seeking something to calm herself.

“A2,” 2B said, hoping that calling her name would help get her attention back into the present. She didn’t really know how to help, so she went with the best reassurances she could come up with. “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

Tears stung at the corners of her eyes, and she looked away. “I’m the one who convinced Rose to let us split up.”

She could hear the pain in A2’s voice, although it was apparent just by looking at her expression as well. 2B shifted so she was holding A2’s other hand too, wishing she knew how to comfort her better. “You were doing the best you could.”

Realistically, a part of her knew that if they hadn’t made that decision, all of them likely would have died anyway… possibly then also including herself and Anemone. That was why she had made the decision, even knowing that it was possible the group who stayed behind would die.

Without realizing it, A2 lightly tugged one of 2B’s hands toward her. She wanted a hug but didn’t know how to ask for one.

Fortunately, that hint was enough to give 2B the idea. She let go of A2’s hands to draw her into a hug.

A2 reciprocated without hesitation, holding onto 2B like a lifeline. She wanted to keep pressing forward and get this story over with, but right now it felt too overwhelming.

2B held her close as she felt A2’s shoulders begin to tremble. At least she could make sure A2 didn’t have to carry this alone anymore. “I’m here.”

She nodded. Knowing that 2B was here was comforting, as much as anything could be. The reassurance gave her the courage to continue on. She could already tell that she was going to end up falling apart emotionally by the end, but it wasn’t the first time 2B had seen her a mess, so she decided to accept it. “Number 16 and some of the Resistance members stayed behind. The rest of us continued toward the server.” She took a quick breath, trying to keep it together as long as she could. “Number 21 had to hack the elevator to the server room, she said. Anemone stayed behind… It turned out that the truth was Number 21 had been infected, and she wasn’t able to cure herself… Anemone had to kill her.”

A2 took a few trembling breaths, starting to cry. “We were in the elevator when we heard an explosion from outside. I don’t know what happened, but I’m sure that’s when Number 16 and the Resistance members with her died. We got to the server room… me, Number 4, Rose, and Marguerite.”

She struggled to figure out how to explain Term Alpha and Term Beta to 2B. Maybe for now she should focus on getting through the hardest parts, and she could clarify the details later if it made sense to. “There were enemies waiting for us there. In the end, it was only me and Number 4, and—we realized one of us had to die in order to destroy the server… Command had put bombs in our chests, to activate if we died in the server room… and Number 4… sacrificed herself.” A sob escaped her. “I survived the blast. And when I woke up, I was alone.”

2B held her tightly, chest aching in sympathy. She knew that it was good for her to talk about it, but she knew it was also painful, and… it was painful for her too, to see A2 hurting like this. She promised, “You aren’t alone anymore.”

She didn’t know how to communicate right now how grateful she was for that, so instead she just tucked her face into 2B’s shoulder and let herself cry, now that she had succeeded in getting out the whole story. She held onto the hope that allowing herself this would help her feel better in the long run, just as Anemone had told her.

Had what she said made things worse? A2 was crying harder now than she had been before. 2B bit her lip, cursing her own helplessness in this moment.

But no, 2B hadn’t made things worse at all. Rather, she had helped A2 feel safe enough that she was able to continue the gradual process of mourning their deaths and processing what had happened. She turned her head just enough that 2B would be able to hear her when she spoke. “I was their leader. I should have been the one to sacrifice myself.”

She thought back to when Commander had told her and 9S to go on without her, because she had been infected, and shook her head. “It’s because you were their leader that they would sacrifice themselves for you. Back in the Bunker, if I could have sacrificed myself to save the Commander… I would have, without hesitation. The only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t know any way to.”

A2 had never thought about it in that way, but when 2B said it, she recognized some truth to the statement. If she could have traded her life for Number 1’s survival, she would have. “I just wish it hadn’t come to that at all.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t know what else to say to that. She agreed, but there was no way to go back and change the fact that it had.

After a few minutes, A2 started to calm down. Just like before, she could still feel an ache in her heart, but… it felt just a little lighter than it had before. “I’m sorry for falling apart like this.”

2B shook her head. “That’s not something you need to apologize for. Thank you for trusting me enough to share this with me. I know it was hard to talk about.”

“It was,” she agreed. She pulled away to wipe away her tears. “But I’m glad that you know now.”

She tucked some hair behind A2’s ear, her heart tugging again at the sight of A2’s tear-streaked cheeks. She wanted to protect A2, she realized. To make sure that A2 never had to go through anything painful ever again, if she could help it. And fortunately, now that the machine wars were over… maybe that was something she really could ensure.

Now that she was feeling better, self-consciousness was beginning to set in. But when she looked at 2B’s gentle expression, she knew deep down that it was okay. “Can I come fish with you for a while?”

The sudden request came as a bit of a surprise to 2B, but she smiled. “Always.”


End file.
